DEFINE THAT RELATIONSHIP

Wande is a young man in his mid-thirties.
About eight months ago, he moved into a
two bedroom apartment and as he got to
know his neighbours better, he discovered
that one of them, Mariam, was a widow.
Mariam, in her early thirties, had been
married just four years when her husband
died in a motor accident; they had a son.
Wande was moved by her plight and
decided to help her whenever he could.
He began by helping her put on the
generator whenever there was power
outage, then he helped to arrange for an
electrician to help fix some faults in her
apartment and even helped her once or
twice to get fuel during the shortage crisis;
as gratitude for his thoughtfulness, Mariam
often cooked for him. Wande also grew
close to Mariam’s son, Richard; he took
him out a lot, spent hours playing with him
and Richard often spent the better part of
the weekends in Wande’s apartment.
Though he had no ulterior motives for his
actions, it became clear to Wande one
evening that he had to put a stop to his
actions when one of his other neighbours
referred to Mariam as his wife; he soon
learnt that people thought he was having
an affair with Mariam and he decided to
pull back from her but it was easier said
than done. After two days of not seeing
Mariam or picking her calls, Wande realised
that he missed her a lot and soon reverted
to spending time with her and Richard. In
all this, he never really thought of the fact
that they were getting attached to each
other.
Whilst all this was still going on, Wande
met and began dating Kike. He had told
Kike about Mariam earlier in their
relationship but somehow the ladies had
never met each other. At first, Kike had
also felt compassion for Mariam and
supported his lending a hand when
necessary but when she noticed that
Mariam and Richard’s names always
cropped up whenever Wande was telling
her about his day, she grew wary. One day,
Kike asked to meet Mariam and Wande
obliged. After the visit, Kike told Wande
that Mariam was in love with him and
asked him to redefine their friendship.
Wande did not believe Kike and teased her
about her jealousy, but when she insisted
and he sensed her seriousness, he
promised to put a distance between
himself and Mariam and he did.
Some days later, Mariam visited Wande
and accused him of avoiding her; at a
point, she burst into tears as she told him
that she loved and missed him and that he
was a father figure to Richard, Wande had
to fight himself not to take her in his arms
to comfort her. He had to promise to see
her the next day before she left his
apartment. Immediately, he called Kike
and told her all that had happened; after
scolding him for his carelessness with
Mariam’s emotions, she encouraged him to
continue avoiding Mariam. Wande and
Mariam no longer speak to each other; in
fact, she treats him as if he does not exist.
It is now clear to Wande that Mariam was
emotionally attached and he wishes he had
been more careful and considerate of her.
He wanted to help but ended up hurting
her and Richard.
Comments
Friendships are built and they occur on four
different levels .i.e. acquaintance, casual,
close and intimate friendship. An
acquaintance is someone you see once in a
while and with whom you only exchange
greetings; an acquaintance is an “hello-
friend”. A casual friend is someone with
whom you actually hold conversations;
however, the conversations are light-
hearted and do not involve any sharing of
deep issues. Between men and women, it
is advised that the friendship be restricted
to either acquaintance or casual level if
both parties are not romantically involved
with each other; this is simply to protect
them from hurting each other. A close
friend is someone with whom you share
your thoughts, fears, hopes for the future,
etc; a close friend bonds with you over
time and has access to your heart. It is
therefore unwise and dangerous to have
close friendship with a member of the
opposite sex if he/she is not your spouse
or someone you intend to marry. This was
the mistake Wande and Mariam made
Women are emotional beings. When a
woman meets a man who listens, takes
care of her needs, spends quality time with
her and just generally shows that he cares,
she opens up and bonds emotionally with
him; this is what Mariam experienced with
Wande. He was more than a neighbour to
her; he was a man who cared for her as a
woman, someone she had grown to trust
and even love. He had become her close,
almost intimate, friend and to whom much
is given, much is expected.
Boundaries are important in relationships;
they help to guard against heartbreak,
betrayal and pain. The level of friendship
desired determines the kind of boundaries
that will be built. If all you want is casual
friendship, don’t spend much time or
exchange confidence with the other person
and don’t encourage him/her to do so with
you either. Helping Mariam was a good
idea but Wande should never have allowed
her to share her fears, hopes and pain with
him; it was not right for him to grow close
to her. She was vulnerable and he took
advantage of that, though unintentionally.
If they had established boundaries for their
friendship, the story would have been
different.
As we go through life, we will meet
different people. Some will remain in our
lives forever while some will leave after a
short while but irrespective of long we are
a part of each others lives, we must be
careful to be good and kind to each other.
Purpose never to leave another person
wishing they had never met you and one of
the first steps towards achieving this is
having boundaries for all your
relationships. Do not share with an
acquaintance, casual friend, colleague,
secretary, driver, that which is meant for
your spouse or fiancé.
If like Wande, you have hurt someone
unintentionally, please ask God for
forgiveness and seek how you can make
amends (without getting yourself in the
same predicament again). Never
underestimate the power of repentance
and offering an apology; ask God to show
you how you can make amends.
If like Mariam, you are the injured party,
you need to forgive and let God heal your
broken heart. You also need to learn to
handle your emotions better; make
decisions based on information and not
what you feel or think. Is someone
spending a lot of time with you? Ask him/
her to define what they want, do not
assume anything!!!